What do you do when you’re so miserable you barely remember what happiness feels like? When the loop inside your mind keeps going over and over all the ways you are wrong and you were wronged? When you wake up and can’t wait for the day to end?
That was me a couple of years ago. As I lay sobbing, and I do mean sobbing—gut wrenching and full throttle, I made a connection that changed the course of my life. My father was a very funny, kind and smart man. The only problem was, he didn’t know it. He became an alcoholic and destroyed his life. I’ve often said that Dad’s life would have been so different if he’d only seen in himself what others saw in him. As I lay sobbing on the bed, it hit me like a ton of bricks, I’m just like my father. I do not see my amazing gifts; I see my screw-ups. I do not value who I am; I apologize for who I am.
Right there and then, I decided to do whatever I had to do to feel worthy. I did not want to continue living, feeling the way I felt.
But, how to get started? How could I move past the inertia of depression? Inertia is so powerful. It’s hard to get energy moving in a positive direction when it’s been stuck in negativity for a long period of time.
So, I started with small doable actions.
Before going to sleep, I began listening to a Louise Hay You Tube Video. I figured her positive words could program my subconscious while I slept. One small but powerful step. I noticed within a week that I was feeling better emotionally and physically.
Follow What You Notice
After a week, I was restless and started searching through You Tube for something else to jump out at me. I found a Before Sleep Ho’oponopono Affirmation Meditation for forgiveness, reconciliation transformation. Wow, did I need to forgive myself. The first time I listened, I cried the whole way through, but I noticed I started to feel lighter. I started searching You Tube and would watch or listen to whatever seemed to jump out at me. It was always the right choice at the right time!
This was a biggie for me to get. I found out it’s just like building muscle and getting physically fit, it takes time to program the mind away from its negative verbal rut and into something more positive. It also takes time to build momentum going in a positive direction. I always thought it should be instantaneous, and for a very small percent it is, but for most of us, it takes time. Instead of fighting it, I accepted this was going to take awhile.
I started this process in September and in late October, I felt for the first time in my life, a feeling of self-worth. It came and went, but now it’s fairly constant. Yay me!